"1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. That's a lot of people suffering in silence."
What was meant to be a note of remembrance for the first baby we lost in November 2018 has become a raw lament over a second baby whose loss we are now grieving. Four years later, we are here again. We want to share our story in the hopes of providing a voice to those who have experienced loss and are feeling the weight of loneliness and grief. We also want to share in real time what it is to lament and how we navigate this heavy loss with the Lord.
Our baby has just recently left to be with Jesus, and as I write this, I am still physically healing. Everything is so fresh that it will undoubtedly show through in the words on this page. I feel led to do this now because it is both a part of my own healing process and, I believe, an important way of seeing that the grieving process is complex and it is not wrong to feel deep sadness, confusion, doubt, anger, etc; it is what we do with those feelings and the pain that matters. It is Who we take that pain to that ultimately impacts our hearts, our healing, our understanding of what has happened to us, and where our hope resides.
After the loss of our first child, Selah, I was terrified of losing another child. Our pregnancy with Enzo was full of worry, and it seemed as if I only took a breath the moment he was in our arms. Our pregnancy with Adaline was this beautiful surprise, and though I did have those same fears that I carried with me, I also had this immense trust in the Lord and His plans for our family. Deep down, though I still feared loss, I truly did not think we would go through it again. I just could not fathom that this could happen again to us. I am very in tune with my body and what it needs in order to thrive and function at its best level. I have spent countless hours reading, researching, and learning to better understand how to keep our entire family healthy and, particularly for me, to be in a state of optimal health and fertility. I have prayed and been led by the Lord in a health journey for us all that has truly been so beneficial. This is all good. It is important and helpful and does have an impact on our lives.
But it is not what's going to keep our lives free from pain and free from loss. We live in a fallen world that has been full of inconceivable pain since sin first entered. No matter what I do to maintain my health, I cannot escape pain or tragedy. This world is full of so much of it that some of the most common questions humanity has as a whole are: "Why is the world full of so much pain?" "Why do bad things happen to 'good' people?" "If God is good, why do bad things happen at all?"
The answer to these is summarized in one moment: the fall of humankind. As soon as sin entered this world, so did pain, brokenness, loss, death, wars, atrocities, tragedy, and on and on. It is because of sin. And rather than go on a futile attempt to understand that which we will never be able to, the answer is to direct our heart to the One who does understand and Who, even though we sinned and have fallen short, made a plan from the very beginning to give us an eternal hope that we otherwise would never have. Suppose you believe in the supremacy of man. In that case, it makes it easy to look outward and see evil somewhere out there instead of looking in the mirror to see our lack of accountability, our blind hubris, and our shirking responsibility only to gloss over our personal brokenness. If you believe in the supremacy of Christ over and above man, you will see that although we have rebelled, sinned, and fallen short time and time again, He loves us immensely and provides a way for real life-altering redemption.
The fact that we lost these babies does not mean that God is not good. He is always good. Instead, this directs us to the very important reality that our world is fallen and is in desperate need of saving.
We cannot avoid hurt. Our earthly bodies will never be perfect. There is nothing we can do to avoid loss. We are not immune to pain and suffering. But the Good News is that there is also nothing we have to do or even can do to earn the love of the One who can bring us healing and eternal hope; it is only by His grace through faith that we are saved and welcomed into His family.
What does it mean to lament?
In Hebrew, the definition of lament is "to wail." I've seen it said that lament is "an acknowledgment of the wounds of the heart and the loss that the heart has suffered." It is not an end to itself but a path to praise and worship. It is a tool the Lord has provided for us to use to express, release, and process loss. He knew we would experience pain and loss, and He has shown us the way to work through it with Him. Lament keeps us in touch with God. If we shut Him out, what is there left but the crushing pain? Lamenting itself is a painful process, yes, but it is more painful to shut God out and attempt to go at it alone; it is more damaging to avoid, ignore, or take our pain out in destructive ways. We are left hopeless when we do not place our hope in the very Source.
"Christian lament is not simply complaint. Yes, it stares clear-eyed at awfulness and even wonders if God has gone…Yet at its fullest, biblical lament expresses sorrow over losing a world that was once good alongside a belief that it can be made good again. Lament isn't giving up, it's giving over. When we lift up our sorrow and our pain, we turn it over to the only one who can meet it: our God."
― Josh Larsen
Typically, lament is composed of these elements:
Lament
Invocation
Confidence
Praise
Petition
Lament is important and should reorient our hearts toward God. Imagine a child who is in pain, whether physical or emotional. You would want them to come to you with that pain, expressing whatever they need to rather than trying to hold it in or process the pain alone. God is a loving Father who wants His children to come to Him in all their pain. He provides a safe place, a place for us to hide in, to be comforted in, to heal in.
How are we processing & ways we're coping, etc.
We are definitely in a lot of pain. We are hurting, our hearts ache, and my womb aches with an emptiness that is all too familiar. That pain shows itself in different ways each day, and one thing that we do as we grieve is to name the stage(s) of grief we're in each day when we wake. This helps us to know where we are and what we may need that day. An example of this is a morning I woke up full of anger. It was all-consuming, and I didn't even recognize it as a stage of grief right away because I was just, quite simply, angry. But that's exactly what it was. Once I realized that I was feeling angry about this loss and that the pain was coming out in this way, I was able to take the necessary steps to help. I needed some quiet time away to spend with the Lord alone. I allowed the anger to come out as I poured my heart out. I realized the anger was compounding as I was reliving moments of our first miscarriage and feeling this fresh wound, wondering why it had happened again. That anger turned to immense sadness and eventually turned to praise as I asked the Lord for His strength to carry on; the strength that can only come from a sovereign, merciful Lord.
I have also learned that rather than attempting to seek answers, I need to seek Him. Instead of asking why I need to ask another question… what do you want to show us in this time, God? How can we learn and grow in this time and be open to how this will make us look more like You and, one day, be able to impact the lives of others in similar pain?
We may never know why this happened and why we have had to say goodbye to two babies much too soon, but the Lord does, and we trust Him. We choose to believe it is His mercy that envelops this heartbreaking situation. A million questions surround this loss, but ultimately we lay those at His feet and rest in His sovereignty.
We are reminded that our hope is firmly in Jesus Christ. Our hope is not in having more children or in the children we already have. Our hope is not placed in anything earthly, as those things can and will fail us. Our hope is in an unchangeable, sovereign God who we trust will use this experience to teach us, grow us, give us the opportunity to comfort others, and ultimately make us look more like Him as we grow in sanctification.
What is the Truth – what does the Lord promise
When experiencing grief, we must be in God's word to understand His character and to know that there's a purpose in what we're going through. Through scripture, we're able to flip the lens of how we view everything. We cannot fully understand or process our loss without Him.
Before I knew the Lord, I experienced traumatic, life-altering events, and I didn't know how to deal with the pain. At my "best," I attempted surface-level modification in things such as mindfulness, busyness, and distraction. At my worst, it was a complete escape in damaging forms that it is only by the Lord's mercy I made it out of. There was no answer to my pain, no heart transformation, no true healing; only destruction and numbness. In those days, I spiraled, was lost and suffering, with no foundation to rest in. I see now, looking back, that there are no earthly tools that can reach the depths of our souls, to heal the pieces that have been broken. I have had to go back and process these events years later with the Lord's guidance and have experienced healing in its truest form. And it is with this same guidance that we process our current trauma. Here are some beautiful Truths from the Lord, reminders of His promises:
"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." James 1:2-3
"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:4-7
"The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." Psalms 145:18
"You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, Lord; listen to my cry for mercy. When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me." Psalms 86:5-7
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2
Beyond the richness of Truth saturated in each of these verses, the foundation of our faith centers on an innocent man suffering in the most tragically barbaric and grotesque way—the tragedy of all possible tragedies, which He endured to express the greatest love we could ever know! Jesus Christ willingly gave His life! Not just to demonstrate a sacrificial love for people like a parent would for children—NO, this love was a supernatural counterintuitive transcendent love for ALL people, many of whom are content as enemies holding the deepest seeded contempt for Him. If this tragic event (turned unexpected triumph) is both the center of our faith and the source of our new identity, we have in Him the boundless resource and the deepest form of empathy to deal with life's tragedies!
Eleos
We have named both of our babies who are now with the Lord. We wanted to give them an identity so we could mourn them, think of them, and remember that they were a precious life that the Lord gave us, even if it was only for a brief time.
From Lamentations 3:32, we read, "Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love." The Hebrew term for mercy (or compassion) here is the word rachamim, which is derived from the word rechem, meaning womb. Rachamim conveys the Lord's deep, tender loving care for Israel, as illustrated by the love a mother would show a child of her womb.
Take, for instance another occurrence of rachamim rendered tenderness in Isaiah 49:14-15:
"Zion said, 'The Lord has forsaken me; my Lord has forgotten me.' Can a mother forget her infant, be without tenderness for the child of her womb? Even should she forget, I will never forget you." This love stems from the knowledge that the child is both of her and not of her. Though a mother's love for a child can sometimes fail, God's love is unfailing, because that child in the womb is His.
The earliest extant Greek translation of the Old Testament in the original Hebrew is called the Septuagint (LXX). The translation of this Hebrew term, rachamim, is the Greek word, eleos, which means mercy: a kindness or goodwill towards the miserable and the afflicted, joined with a desire to help them.
How can you support someone enduring loss?
The most important thing in supporting others who are grieving is to, quite simply, be there for them. Pray for them, lift them up to the Lord, check-in, and remind them that you're there. You will never have the perfect thing to say, but to express your sorrow for them and remember them in your prayers is more powerful than any perfect phrase. Some people struggle to respond when confronted with another person's grief. What helps is to have compassion. Be kind, be gentle, and allow them the space they may need during this time to process and mourn. We had some members of the Church drop off some groceries for us, along with some items for our children that they needed. We felt very loved and carried by the Lord through them.
There is purpose
Loss has a way of reorienting your heart. It shocks you to the point of the all-important realization that what we believe matters. Life is short on this earth. But it matters what we do here. There is a purpose to our lives. We do not live just for the sake of earthly delight and pleasure in a random universe. There is an eternity to consider, and there are souls at stake. Life is sacred and precious, not to be made lesser or meaningless. We are all part of something so much bigger, and I have never felt that more deeply and personally than through the babies that went from my womb straight to the Kingdom of heaven—straight into the arms of the very real Savior, Who we also long to be embraced by someday.
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